Why We Talk: The Hidden Motivations Behind Every Conversation
A thought came to me during a seminar recently — one that has stayed with me ever since:
People enter conversations for completely different reasons.
And most of the time, they don’t realise what their reason is.
In that seminar, the task was critical analysis.
But what many people did wasn’t analysis — it was performance.
Instead of exploring the idea, they repeated what felt safe.
Instead of questioning, they reinforced familiarity.
Instead of relating to the concept, they related to their fear of getting it wrong.
It wasn’t a discussion.
It was an unconscious strategy.
That moment revealed something important:
Conversations often break down not because we disagree, but because we’re speaking from different motivations — and different nervous systems.
To understand why this happens, we need to look beneath the words.
The Layers Beneath Every Voice
A voice is never just a voice.
It’s a collection of layers — emotional, psychological, cultural, and neurological — each shaping how a person expresses themselves and what they protect.
When we understand these layers, conversations stop feeling chaotic.
They become readable.
Here are the core layers underneath almost every exchange:
1. The Story Layer
Our personal histories shape how we speak and what we protect.
The story we carry influences our tone, confidence, and emotional thresholds.
2. The Mask Layer
Masks aren’t lies — they’re safety strategies.
They help us fit into workplaces, families, and social expectations.
But masks can distort a voice, making someone sound cold, emotional, detached, intense, or defensive when they’re simply protecting themselves.
3. The Defensive Layer
When a mask is threatened, the nervous system responds.
People may shut down, reject, over-explain, attack, or retreat — not because of the topic, but because of what the topic touches.
4. The Need Layer
All behaviour is need-driven.
People need to feel safe, respected, included, understood, and valued.
When those needs aren’t met, conversations tilt toward self-protection.
5. The Exposure Layer
People speak from what they’ve been exposed to — family culture, politics, religion, identity, community, class, trauma.
Two people can hear the same sentence and interpret it through completely different worlds.
6. The Neurodivergence Layer
This is the layer most people overlook — and one of the most important.
Neurodivergent and neurotypical people often enter conversations with different sensory profiles, emotional pacing, processing speeds, communication preferences, and meanings attached to silence, tone, and intensity.
Conversation feels different depending on your brain.
This layer influences:
how fast someone processes
how literally or abstractly they interpret language
how they pace emotional disclosure
how they experience conflict
how long they can stay regulated
how they read tone, body language, and social subtext
how blunt, soft, or layered their expression naturally is
And because these differences are invisible, they often get misinterpreted as:
disinterest
intensity
coldness
avoidance
oversharing
defensiveness
dominance
When, in reality, it’s just two nervous systems using different rules.
How Conversation Differs Across Neurotypes
Neurodivergent ↔ Neurodivergent
These conversations often feel natural, direct, deep, or quickly intimate.
Shared pacing helps. Shared intensity helps.
There’s less subtext to decode.
But differences within neurodivergence exist too —
autistic <> ADHD <> gifted <> dyslexic <> OCD <> trauma-affected brains
all have different relational rhythms.
Neurotypical ↔ Neurotypical
These conversations follow socially learned norms:
small talk, gradual depth, softer approach, implied meaning.
It’s not better — just patterned differently.
Neurodivergent ↔ Neurotypical
This is where most misunderstanding happens.
One person is speaking from clarity, the other from context.
One values directness, the other values diplomacy.
One processes internally, the other processes aloud.
One needs speed, the other needs pauses.
Without awareness, both walk away feeling judged or misunderstood.
But when both understand this layer?
Conversations don’t break — they finally make sense.
The Six Motivations Behind Why We Talk
With all these layers in mind, here are the motivations most people bring into conversation:
Belonging — wanting to fit or feel included
Certainty — wanting to be right or sound competent
Performance — proving understanding or avoiding mistakes
Validation — wanting to be seen or taken seriously
Avoidance — preventing conflict or emotional risk
Exploration — curiosity, insight, connection
Most tension in conversation happens when two people are speaking from different motives without realising it.
What This Changes
When you understand the layers — including the neurodivergent ones — the entire landscape of conversation shifts.
You stop reacting to the mask and start connecting with the person.
You hear the emotion beneath the defence.
You see the need beneath the intensity.
You understand the context beneath the conflict.
And that is where real understanding begins.
The Heart of Calm & Change
Conversation is not just communication.
It’s how we build clarity, trust, emotional steadiness, and connection.
When conversations deepen, understanding deepens.
And when understanding deepens, calm and change follow.